yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
