Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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