I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
