I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
