I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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