Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
