happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
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