Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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