Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
