I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
