I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
