dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
my being single is dangerous.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
