Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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