I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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