Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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