thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
