Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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