I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
