i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
