I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
