I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have fence marks all over my body
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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