Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just tell him i said nine months
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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