If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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