dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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