I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
