so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
