i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
