WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize