Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
