she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
