There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
