I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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