God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
