dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
