I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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