tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
