Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
