did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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