Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
