This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
