having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
