If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
