that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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