so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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