I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i dont even know how to be here
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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