Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
