you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
