Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
