upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
