What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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