forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
