He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
