He disabled his match.com account in front of me
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Randomize
