I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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