I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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