I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
