The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize