he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize